The line from Matt Redman’s song did not leave my head all day yesterday. Yesterday was meant to be in the top three happiest days of my year so far with the arrival of my parents but sadly yesterday turned out to be probably the hardest day I have ever gone though here. Don’t get me wrong – my parents have arrived safely and it’s so great to have them here, but yesterday also turned into the day I was praying would never come.
Yesterday I got a phone call to say the twins were being given back to their “family”. Now in most cases when children go back to their family it’s a good thing and we are happy but in this instance the whole family circumstances around the twins are very complicated. There have been a lot of lies told and a lot of wrong information given and in my opinion the whole thing is a mess. In the middle of it all there are two very young fragile lives and all they are asking for is to be loved which was never a hard thing to do. So, just as I was about to step out to the airport I got the phone call and had to go and quickly get their stuff together and send them off. This brought back many memories and raised a few questions because I knew some people who had to give a child back when they were almost ready to sign the adoption papers. What about the lovely couple who were ready to adopt the twins – how are they in all this?
“You give and take away. You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name.” When I stop and think about this, this has to be one of the hardest things to say. When things are going bad around me, I have to choose to believe God is a good God and his plan is perfect and he has the best in store for me and others around. Some days this is really not easy and I think would test the greatest saints and in case you hadn’t noticed – I am no saint! I do know that there have been circumstances which have been painful but where in time I can look back and see God in it all - but today I just have to choice to believe God is good after the events with the twins yesterday.
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I still can't sing that line. When it comes up in worship, I think about Zoe, and I wonder. I couldn't bless God then, and I've only recently got to the point of being able to that God is still good. When I do, I still feel the gravity of what I'm actually saying - that even though God chose to let Zoe die, even though he took her away, even though he broke my heart forever, even though he permits horrible atrocities to be perpetrated against the innocents (children) he is still good.
The fact that others seem to be able to sing that line so glibly sometimes annoys me, because it seems they obviously have either forgotten, or never really experienced, a Job moment, or that the suffering of children and those who love them is of little consequence.
I don't think there are any answers to the problem of pain, despite what Lewis and other luminaries say. It just is. And God is still good. I know people think Christians are crazy for believing that in the face of the suffering and cruelty in the world. Yet, in the words of Peter - Jesus has the words of life, to whom else shall we go?
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